I’ve spent the last 6 months floating in what feels like a bazar form of limbo. As we rang in the new year oh so many months ago I had the excited feeling in the pit of my stomach that this year was going to be huge. Big things were going to happen, big changes were coming. Then day after day after week after month rolled by and it was still the same ole same ole. My schedule became incredibly predictable.
Wake up go to work.
Come back home for break (because I work a split shift and it stinks).
Go back to work, run around with kids for 3 hours.
Come home, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed.
The only thing different about my weekends were no work and plus church.
It’s a lonely life on repeat. I feel like I’ve been stuck in a deep hole. I’ve been clawing at the edges to get myself out but the only thing I’ve achieved are fingernails filled with dirt. Ugh.
Yesterday I returned from my first mission trip to Mexico in 6 years. Since returning from Bolivia last December I’ve often wondered if I made the right decision to come home. Going to Mexico affirmed that I had. It was rough in more ways than one and it became pretty clear that physically I am not 18 anymore, but it was so refreshing to my soul.
On Wednesday night I was given the opportunity to get up and speak in front of everyone at campfire. When I got up I had an idea of what I wanted to talk about, but what came out of my mouth was purely from God. I know that because it convicted me as well. My initial plan was to speak on giving up on the American dream. What came out was more like “God is moving in this world, he’s talking to you and he has big plans so listen and follow.”
Whoa. It wasn’t anything new to me. The concept is all to familiar, but I came to a realization. I had just wasted 6 precious months being lazy. It wasn’t just that life wasn’t working out for me, I wasn’t working to make it better. I wasn’t actively pursuing Gods guidance or searching for his gifts. Instead my chant became “I hate my life” and I let myself sit in that. Stupid.
So today, as I sit here typing I cry with all my heart for things to change. A lot of prayer is going to have to go into this next season, but I already have some ideas of what it’s going to look like.
The first step will be to find a new job. While my current one has been a blessing financially, I feel like it’s sucking the joy and determination from my life. The second will be applying to the EMT program at Tacoma CC. I’ve gone back and forth for years deciding if this was the road I should pursue and the best way I can serve. Going down to Mexico reaffirmed that it is. So God willing next year when I go back down I’ll be taking some medical skills with me.
So that’s all I have for now. To be honest, at this moment I would be happier living in a dusty tent in Mexico than in my house here in the US. I’m definitely made to serve. So God, I’m trusting that you’ve got something good in store. Use me dear Lord. I want to be your hands and feet to the ends of the earth.